The Girl Who Waits.

Today Was A Brilliant Day.

I Danced To Lady Gaga In Nothing But A Lacy Leotard And A Crazy Headband.

Kept Busy.

Stayed Happy.

I Could Be Doing A List Like Some Of You Are.

The List Of Loved And Lost.

Truth Is.

Names Don't Matter.

Each Scenario Is The Same.

I Loved Too Much.

They Never Noticed.

Nothing Like A Little Drama.

Truth Is.

They Don't Matter.

When You Have Friends Like Mine.

That Void Isn't Left Vulnerable.

Infact You Forget That Void.

So This Is Hypocritical.

But Who Isn't, Right?

My Friends Make Me The Happiest.

And Yet I'll Continue To Complain About Lonelyness.

But That Tiny Flame I Mentioned The Other Day.

Its Burning Brighter.

And I Don't Want It To Stop.

But Then Again It's You Guys Fueling This Fire.

And On A Dreary Day Like Today.

I Didn't Stop Smiling.

Because I Was Going To Spend The Evening With Diamonds.

Standard.

I Wait.

Becuase I Think.

Well No, I Hope It's Going To Happen.

I Play It Cooler Than The Ice Queen.

In Fear Of Screwing Up.

If I Should Be Learning From My Mistakes.

Then Why Do I Repeat Them.

I'll Tell You What Makes My Day.

It's Making Someone Else's Day.

The Best Feeling.

Weather It's A Thoughtful Text.

Bringing Someone Sad Cupcakes At 10:30pm.

Buying People Creme Eggs Because I Can.

Cheering Someone Up.

Try It.

Do One Selfless Thing A Day.

Make A Tiny Difference To Someone.

Go On.

Truth Is.

That List Of Loved And Lost.

All The Names On That List.

Have Something In Common.

You All Missed Out.

You Might Not Know It.

You Might Not Ever Will.

But I Could Of Been So Good For You.

Gutteddd. xXx

For Something So Empty, There's Alot Going On.

Ever Feel Left Behind?

In A World That's Moving Far Too Fast.

You Know What Hurts More Than A Shattered Heart.

Rubbing Salt In The Wound.

The Hope Is False.

The Void Is Still Empty.

I Love My Job.

I Love My Place Of Work.

I Love My Fellow Colleagues.

It's Pretty Hard Not To.

I Can't Help But Just Love It.

Where I Just Have Work To Do.

Tasks To Put My Mind To.

Like Kind Of An Alternative Universe/Bubble.

A Place Where My Mind Is Busy Enough.

Not To Be Thinking Of You.

My 'Self' Busy Enough.

Not To Break Down Over Existance.

People Argue The Reason For Our Existance.

Or So I've Heard.

That Logic Thing Again Maybe?

I Love The Gilmore Girls.

I Also Love One Tree Hill.

Because Again I Can Get Lost.

In Their Drama.

And Hide My Own Deeper.

So Not To Make A Big Deal.

Be An Inconvenience.

Because That's What I Feel.

Like I'm Pestering You.

Because I Could Really Use You.

I Miss Laughing So Hard I Cry.

I Miss Getting Silly, Talking Stupid.

Instead I'm Reduced To Missing You.

Feeling Cut Off.

Listening To Everytime By Britney Spears On Repeat.

Patience Is A Virtue?

I'm In A Crazy Imbalance Between Patience And Numbness.

Patience Is Waiting For The Inspiration To Come Back.

Numbness Is Ignoring The Things That Inspire Me Most.

Forgetting Them.

Looking Too Far Into Reality.

Letting Ridiculous Unnecessary Situations Affect Me.

Then I Remember A Spark.

Tiny Tiny Flame.

A Smile.

The Robin On My Window Ledge.

A Song On Shuffle.

Yeah, It's Totally Britney.

And It's All Come Flooding Back.

And That Sinking Feeling.

The Anchor Around My Neck.

Can Get Lost.

Because It's Not What I Need, More To The Point Want.

'That Soon Your Face Will Fade Away.'

I Help Because I Think It's Hope.

But It's Hurt.

I Make Your Problems Mine Hoping Mine Will Dissolve.

If She's Good Enough To Steal You From Me.

You'd Better Not Let Her Go.

Today I'm Going To Have A Britney Day.

That Bitch Is Crazy.

I Wont Be Shaving My Head.

Or Getting Hitched In Vegas.

But Today.

I Might Just Not Give A Damn.

Smile.

Charlie Smile.

Oh Look, Just In Time For Work.

Love This. xXx

'I'll Be Your Distraction.'

Ever Find Out Someting You Didn't Want To Know.

Shouldn't Know.

About Someone, Something Or Yourself.

Does You Mood Ever Change With The Weather?

What's In A Mistake?

Regret Or Motivation?

Feelings Fade.

But The Ones You Don't Want, Stay.

The Feeling Of Realisation.

Not The Good Kind.

The Kind With A Flash Of Shock And A Heart So Heavy You Feel It Sink.

Then Shatter Like A Light Glass Ornament.

Then The 'Pain' Shadowed Buy The Numbness.

Then You Stare At Any Inanimate Object While Your 'Cotton Wool' Brain Tries To Think.

Then A Tear, One Single Tear.

To Start The Flood.

And When It Dries Up And Your Face Stings.

The Place Where Your Heart Sank To.

Ignites.

The Anger No, Rage.

Takes Over Your Broken Self.

Where Your Brain Becomes Hot Coals Working Overtime.

Thoughts Rushing In And Out.

Trying To Justify This Unfortunate Event.

But It Can't Find The Logic.

And No Longer Knows Love.

Then The Itchy Feeling Comes.

Making It Impossible To Stay Still.

So I Cleaned My Room.

To A Standard Monica Would Be Proud Of.

Just To Distract Me From You.

And This Unnecessary Event.

I'm Pacing My Room In A Mind I Don't Know.

Thinking What Is To Come Of Me Next.

Brace Myself For The Next Time I'm Guessing.

I'd Like To Say It Gets Easier.

But It Doesn't And It Wont.

It Will Always Pounce.

Catch You Off Your Guard.

Shock You Out Of Your Wits.

Had A Strange Feeling You Were Different.

But You're Just Another Event.

It's A Funny Feeling.

Realisation.

I Realise Your Not To Blame.

It's Me And Always Will Be.

Always The Girl With Her Head In The Clouds.

That Forgets How Much It Hurts To Live This Life.

The 'Real World' Life.

In Trying To Think Of A Suitable End To This Rant.

I Realise, You Won't Know This Is About You.

And Your Questioned Choices.

It Won't Enlighten Or Change You.

Or Your Cheap, Timeless Ways.

I've Spoken Of Wasted Beauty Many Times.

If You Haven't Guessed I'd Really Like To Get That Point Across.

But Your Beauty, Is Wasted On You. xXx

'Watch The World'

You Know What I Miss?

Bus Stops.

Waiting At Bus Stops.

Driving Lets You Soo Easily Take Advantage.

Of Mostly Anything.

While Standing At A Bus Stop Today.

Waiting For Someone Beautiful.

A Song Came On Shuffle.

By Box Car Racer.

'Watch The World'.

And To Me It's The Kind Of Song That Makes Me Do Just That.

Watch The World.

While Waiting For A Bus I Wasn't Getting On.

Across The Road There Was An Old Building.

The Kind Of Building That You Take Advantage Of.

Drive Past.

Walk Past.

See But Never Look.

It's Flats Now.

Every Window Different.

Nice Curtains, Ratty Nets, Blinds And Paper Snowflakes.

Wasn't The Windows, But The Building That Inspired Me.

Beautiful.

And As The Song Played, The Sun Shone And The Wind Very Gently Blew.

I Watched That Building.

Cars And People Rushing Past.

Made Me Think.

Will They Ever See What I See Right Now.

Of Feel What I Feel Right Now.

There's That Shame Again.

Wasted Beauty.

Stillness.

Absolute Stillness.

No Words.

Thoughts Dropped.

Just Looking.

And Listening.

To The Words In The Song.

'We'll Regret,

All Those Things,

We Thought Of,

But Didn't Ever Do.'

It's Inspiring Moments Like That.

That Motivate Me.

Then The Last Few Words Of The Song State.

'When The Sky,

Seems Too Clear,

Who Will Then Be Left,

But A Few,

Me And You.'

That Reminds Me That I Won't Have You.

I'd Like To.

But You're Not A Necessity, I'll Live Without You.

But It Would Be Nice.

I Have Something Better.

The Beautiful People.

Don't Change. xXx

'I'm On My Way To Believing...'

You Know What's A Shame?

Wasted Beauty.

Ever Get The Goosebumps For Something So Beautiful?

Something That Stops You, Dead In Your Tracks?

No Thoughts, No Words, One Feeling.

Awe.

To Be In Awe.

Is Miraculous.

I Didn't Get The Chance To Know You, But I Feel I Do.

We Have A Mouse 'Terrorizing' The House As Auntie Pat Says.

Truth Be Told The Mouse Has Done An Outstanding Job.

It's Made Us Pull Out Old Photo's And Tapes Of 'The Good Old Days'.

More To The Point.

Old Letters.

Turns Out My Nana Bless Her Had A Lodger.

In This Big Old House.

After The Second World War.

No Dates.

But They're Timeless.

A Ratty Old Postcard Starting With.

'Dear Bett And Stan'

I Can't Read Alot Of The Beautifully Written Words.

Then The Old Letters On Thin Worn Paper.

Paper That Could Tell So Many Stories.

This One Starts With.

'30 Aug. Wednesday.

Dear Bett,

Thank You Very Much For Food Parcel, Welcome Letter And The Whitstable Times,

Which Arrived Last Night.'

He Ends His Last Letter With.

'Well Bett I Think That's About All For Now So To Close Once Again Thanks For The Paper,

Love To All,

Nic x x x x x x'

He Then Adds This One Line.

One Line That Stands Out So Much To Me Is.

'P.S I'll Be Twenty On The 3 Oct, Old Age Creeping On?'

That Was His Last Letter.

Who Knows If He Made His Birthday Or Not.

The Sad Thing Is The Letter Outlived That Man, Nic.

Become Timeless.

And Beautiful.

That Man Was Younger Than Me When Writing That From Japan.

You Know What's A Shame?

That Most People Won't See This As Beautiful.

It Falls On Ignorant Eyes.

But I Don't Mean All Of You.

You'll See It Through Bright Eyes.

There's Not Many Who Would Step Up Like That These Days.

Now That's A Shame.

Wasted Lives.

I Don't Think I Need To Explain.

Because This Will Turn Poisonous.

It Will Be My 21st Birthday In 5 Days.

'Old Age Creeping On?' xXx

'I've Got The Magic In Me'.

Good Morning World.

Sitting Here With My Sweet Tea.

Despite My 'Bitterness'?

Walking Through ASDA Last Night I Notice.

Valentines Day Stuff, So Much Stuff.

Seriously?

I Wonder If People Even Know It's Meaning.

The Proper One.

Yeah Okay So It's Words From A Lonely Girl.

But Still, Seriously?

And Yeah I'm Jealous Of Those Who've Got Them.

But Do You Need A Holiday To Tell Someone You Love Them?

I Guess This Paints What I'm Trying To Say In The Wrong Light.

So The Real Meaning, Is What I See.

I See Fights And Wasted Love.

But If You Have That Spark With Someone, Really Hold Onto It.

It's Not Worth Loosing.

Because You Can't Ensure You'll Find It Again.

So I May Be Speaking From Crappy Experience.

But That Day Will Probably Make Some People Feel Not So Great.

Fair Play I'm Claiming There Are People Like That.

And I'm Latching On Because I'm Scared To Speak Alone.

But Maybe This Is All Trash.

And I'm Aware I'm A Hypocrite.

So Valentines Day Would Be The Perfect Day To Tell Someone You Like Them.

To Tell You.

Right?

Which One Of You?

Easy To State It.

Truth Told I'm Dead Scared.

Not Of You But Of The Outcome.

There's A Silly Girly Film, With One One Of The Best Lines.

'Never Let The Fear Of Striking Out Stop You From Playing The Game'.

My Heart And Head Are So Tired From Fighting.

The 'L' Words.

Logic Or Love?

What Makes Sense?

And What's Not Meant To?

I Think Too Much Into It.

Because I've Never Wanted Something So Bad.

I Say That And Instantly Realise The Lie.

Okay So Second Or Thirdly Bad Thing.

On A Brighter Note.

You Ever Feel So Loved You Don't Know What To Do?

Overwhelmed Is An Understatement.

I Went From Being A Birthday Grinch To The Luckyest Girl In The Word.

In A Day.

Surrounded By The Most Amazing People.

And Thoughts From Those Who Wanted To Be.

My Heart Couldn't Love You Lot Anymore.

That Day I Felt Special.

The Limelight I'd Usually Shy Away From.

Really Made Me Smile.

The Best Day.

I Could Ever Of Asked For.

I Am So Grateful.

Not Just For The Beautiful Gifts And Cards.

But For You Who Care.

It's The Most Amazing Feeling To Know You Were All There.

Just For Me.

Selfish I Know.

On Another Note.

The Sky Was Extra Beautiful This Morning.

Smile Worthy Beautiful.

Love Life, Forget Logic.

Just For Today. xXx

'Or A Girl Who Makes Potions In A Travelling Show.'

The Kindness Of A Stranger.

And Impeccable Timing.

I Will Always Be A Dreamer.

I'd Rather Have My head In The Clouds.

Then Face This Unnecessary Reality.

'The Truth Will Shine Through'.

That's What They Say, Right?

It Won't If You Paint It Black And Manipulate it.

Then It Becomes All You Speak.

Poison.

There's Something Haunting But Almost Charming About Canterbury At Night.

The Quiet, The Light.

The Only Sound Is Your Footsteps.

Calm And Collected.

My Stupid Shoes Hurt My Feet So Bad.

But I Could Of Walked For Miles.

Just To Think.

I'll Never Have Us.

I'm Dreaming To Think I Will.

This Is Where Thoughts Become The Feeling Of Your Head.

Crashing Back To This Harsh Reality.

Being Alone Too Long.

Makes You Think Too Much.

Where Are You Hiding?

Give Me A Clue Atleast.

This All Feels Soo One Sided.

Nathaniel George.

Those Awful Kids Still Pick On Him.

But On Thursday He Won A Volcano Competition At His School.

We All Chipped In.

And They Still Bully Him.

But The Smile On His Face When He Came Home.

Was Brilliant.

Proud Is An Understatement.

But Happy Is More Suitable.

Even A Master Criminal Couldn't Have Stolen That Smile.

I Dare Go On.

For Fear Of Repeating Myself.

Tomorrow Will Probably A Most Excellent Day.

Old Films And Drawing With Nathan.

Perfect. xXx