Mayday.

What's Real.

Who's Real.

Are You?

Am I?

Is That?

Or This.

Your Funny.

You've Said I'm Cute, But She's Cuter Right?

I'm Just Possibly Convenient Looking.

Ever Feel Like Your Walking Or Even Running Away From Something,

But Your Legs Can't Take You Fast Enough?

Ever Find Wisdom In The Weirdest Places?

Crappy Pop Songs.

I've Been Dancing And Swishing My Fake Hair Along To The Same One For Days.

4 Verging On 5.

I Know All The Words, All The Drops And Nearly The Dance Moves.

Everytime I Hit Play To Listen Again.

It Gets Abit Better.

It's Called 'Not Your Birthday'.

And It Involves You 'Partying Like It's Not Your Birthday'.

Has Some Genius Lines Such As,

'Quit Your Bitchin' Move Your Feet'

And

'This Song Is For Anyone Who's Having The Worst Day,

You Gotta Party Like It's Not, Party Like It's Not.'

- 'Like It's Not Your Birthday'.

'Because Nobody Gives A Damn About The Day That You Were Born.'

I Could Be Talking About Some Meaningful Song With An Actual Message.

But Where's The Fun In That?

I Want To Dance,

And This Hair Won't Swish All By It's Own.

I'm Dreading The Moment When I Get Bored Of That Song.

I Say It Every Time,

'OMG I'M NEVER GOING TO GET SICK OF THIS SONG'.

Low And Behold,

I Get Sick Of It Over Time, Every Time.

My Use Of Grammar Is Improper.

But It's Comfortable.

I Do Hope That's Not What's OFFENDING You.

No, Sorry Wait It's My PERSONAL ABUSE That's Doing It.

Oh Behave.

If All You Have To Do Is Report My Silly Little Ramblings,

I'd Be Worried.

I Haven't Gone Out Of My Way To Be Bitchy Or Say Names.

But How Do You Know This Is About You Or Affecting You.

You Should Be So Lucky ;)

You Know Where The Best Place To Sing In My House Is?

Mum And Dad's En Suite.

Central Located, Minimal Echo.

The Sky Definately Didn't Dissapoint This Morning.

Odd Events On Friday The 13th.

Paranoia.

It's Won Me Battles.

And Lost Me Love.

But What Fuels It.

You Are Unknowingly Rubbing Salt In A Wound.

But Then It's Unnecessary For Me To Be A Bitch.

What's In A Face.

Apart From The Usual Features.

If I'm A Blank Canvas.

Do My Expressions Paint Me?

What's Behind A Face.

Stuff I Can't Imagine To Begin To Understand.

Thoughts, Feelings, Hopes & Dreams.

The Usual Features.

Lost In My Thoughts.

I Made Them In My Head So That Makes Them Mine.

You Certainly Can't Buy Them For A Penny.

Mumbo - Jumbo.

I Don't Think I Can Even Make Sense Of These After A Point Now.

Lost In My Words More Like.

When Does It Make Sense.

Will It Ever.

Or Does It Even Have To?

Surely Unexplained Is More Exciting?

Unless Your Most Haunted.

That Shit Was Only Scary 13 & Alone...

Okay I Lie, I May Get Scared On The Odd Occasion.

Depends On Location.

Fakeness Aside.

Does Anyone Else Find The History Exciting?

The Stories, The Characters.

Just Me Then.

Also, What's Meaningful When It Comes To Words.

Depends Who Wrote Them?

Who Spoke Them?

In What Context?

Depends On Location?

It's Taken A Week To Complete This.

Just Couldn't Find The Right Words To Play With.

Wordplay, A Play On Words.

That's A Funny Term.

Terminology.

A Term For The Term That Means Term. No? No.

Pfft, Where's My Sketchbook. xXx

'She's Been A Crazy Dita'.

Tonight All I Want To Do Is Dance.

I Don't Know What It Is.

But I Can't Stop Moving My Fingers.

Like Thing From The Adams Family.

I Can't Wait To See The Sky Tomorrow.

On The Way To Work For 7am.

Im Stoked.

To Say The Very Least.

At Work Today Studying 'Manual Handling'.

I Notice In Bold Writing.

'GET A GOOD GRIP'.

Excellent Words.

That Come At A Convenient Turning Point.

It's Reassuring.

To Most It Would Be Unnoticed.

To Some It Has Meaning.

What's The Point Of Getting A Grip If Its Not Good?

Jibberish.

Words Typed In Lines Making Little Sense.

Purely Because My Fingers Can't Rest.

I Don't Necessary Know What To Say.

But Writing Seemed To The Right Thing To Do.

I Have Pins And Needles Now.

This Can't Be Good.

Why Do They Call It Pins And Needles?

It's Such A Difference What Good Company Can Make.

I Know Some Pretty Incredible Human Beings.

Impecible Personalities.

The Most Beautiful People You Could Ever Know.

The Luckiest Girl.

Who Has Finally Got A Grip.

A Good One. xXx

The Girl Who Waits.

Today Was A Brilliant Day.

I Danced To Lady Gaga In Nothing But A Lacy Leotard And A Crazy Headband.

Kept Busy.

Stayed Happy.

I Could Be Doing A List Like Some Of You Are.

The List Of Loved And Lost.

Truth Is.

Names Don't Matter.

Each Scenario Is The Same.

I Loved Too Much.

They Never Noticed.

Nothing Like A Little Drama.

Truth Is.

They Don't Matter.

When You Have Friends Like Mine.

That Void Isn't Left Vulnerable.

Infact You Forget That Void.

So This Is Hypocritical.

But Who Isn't, Right?

My Friends Make Me The Happiest.

And Yet I'll Continue To Complain About Lonelyness.

But That Tiny Flame I Mentioned The Other Day.

Its Burning Brighter.

And I Don't Want It To Stop.

But Then Again It's You Guys Fueling This Fire.

And On A Dreary Day Like Today.

I Didn't Stop Smiling.

Because I Was Going To Spend The Evening With Diamonds.

Standard.

I Wait.

Becuase I Think.

Well No, I Hope It's Going To Happen.

I Play It Cooler Than The Ice Queen.

In Fear Of Screwing Up.

If I Should Be Learning From My Mistakes.

Then Why Do I Repeat Them.

I'll Tell You What Makes My Day.

It's Making Someone Else's Day.

The Best Feeling.

Weather It's A Thoughtful Text.

Bringing Someone Sad Cupcakes At 10:30pm.

Buying People Creme Eggs Because I Can.

Cheering Someone Up.

Try It.

Do One Selfless Thing A Day.

Make A Tiny Difference To Someone.

Go On.

Truth Is.

That List Of Loved And Lost.

All The Names On That List.

Have Something In Common.

You All Missed Out.

You Might Not Know It.

You Might Not Ever Will.

But I Could Of Been So Good For You.

Gutteddd. xXx

For Something So Empty, There's Alot Going On.

Ever Feel Left Behind?

In A World That's Moving Far Too Fast.

You Know What Hurts More Than A Shattered Heart.

Rubbing Salt In The Wound.

The Hope Is False.

The Void Is Still Empty.

I Love My Job.

I Love My Place Of Work.

I Love My Fellow Colleagues.

It's Pretty Hard Not To.

I Can't Help But Just Love It.

Where I Just Have Work To Do.

Tasks To Put My Mind To.

Like Kind Of An Alternative Universe/Bubble.

A Place Where My Mind Is Busy Enough.

Not To Be Thinking Of You.

My 'Self' Busy Enough.

Not To Break Down Over Existance.

People Argue The Reason For Our Existance.

Or So I've Heard.

That Logic Thing Again Maybe?

I Love The Gilmore Girls.

I Also Love One Tree Hill.

Because Again I Can Get Lost.

In Their Drama.

And Hide My Own Deeper.

So Not To Make A Big Deal.

Be An Inconvenience.

Because That's What I Feel.

Like I'm Pestering You.

Because I Could Really Use You.

I Miss Laughing So Hard I Cry.

I Miss Getting Silly, Talking Stupid.

Instead I'm Reduced To Missing You.

Feeling Cut Off.

Listening To Everytime By Britney Spears On Repeat.

Patience Is A Virtue?

I'm In A Crazy Imbalance Between Patience And Numbness.

Patience Is Waiting For The Inspiration To Come Back.

Numbness Is Ignoring The Things That Inspire Me Most.

Forgetting Them.

Looking Too Far Into Reality.

Letting Ridiculous Unnecessary Situations Affect Me.

Then I Remember A Spark.

Tiny Tiny Flame.

A Smile.

The Robin On My Window Ledge.

A Song On Shuffle.

Yeah, It's Totally Britney.

And It's All Come Flooding Back.

And That Sinking Feeling.

The Anchor Around My Neck.

Can Get Lost.

Because It's Not What I Need, More To The Point Want.

'That Soon Your Face Will Fade Away.'

I Help Because I Think It's Hope.

But It's Hurt.

I Make Your Problems Mine Hoping Mine Will Dissolve.

If She's Good Enough To Steal You From Me.

You'd Better Not Let Her Go.

Today I'm Going To Have A Britney Day.

That Bitch Is Crazy.

I Wont Be Shaving My Head.

Or Getting Hitched In Vegas.

But Today.

I Might Just Not Give A Damn.

Smile.

Charlie Smile.

Oh Look, Just In Time For Work.

Love This. xXx

'I'll Be Your Distraction.'

Ever Find Out Someting You Didn't Want To Know.

Shouldn't Know.

About Someone, Something Or Yourself.

Does You Mood Ever Change With The Weather?

What's In A Mistake?

Regret Or Motivation?

Feelings Fade.

But The Ones You Don't Want, Stay.

The Feeling Of Realisation.

Not The Good Kind.

The Kind With A Flash Of Shock And A Heart So Heavy You Feel It Sink.

Then Shatter Like A Light Glass Ornament.

Then The 'Pain' Shadowed Buy The Numbness.

Then You Stare At Any Inanimate Object While Your 'Cotton Wool' Brain Tries To Think.

Then A Tear, One Single Tear.

To Start The Flood.

And When It Dries Up And Your Face Stings.

The Place Where Your Heart Sank To.

Ignites.

The Anger No, Rage.

Takes Over Your Broken Self.

Where Your Brain Becomes Hot Coals Working Overtime.

Thoughts Rushing In And Out.

Trying To Justify This Unfortunate Event.

But It Can't Find The Logic.

And No Longer Knows Love.

Then The Itchy Feeling Comes.

Making It Impossible To Stay Still.

So I Cleaned My Room.

To A Standard Monica Would Be Proud Of.

Just To Distract Me From You.

And This Unnecessary Event.

I'm Pacing My Room In A Mind I Don't Know.

Thinking What Is To Come Of Me Next.

Brace Myself For The Next Time I'm Guessing.

I'd Like To Say It Gets Easier.

But It Doesn't And It Wont.

It Will Always Pounce.

Catch You Off Your Guard.

Shock You Out Of Your Wits.

Had A Strange Feeling You Were Different.

But You're Just Another Event.

It's A Funny Feeling.

Realisation.

I Realise Your Not To Blame.

It's Me And Always Will Be.

Always The Girl With Her Head In The Clouds.

That Forgets How Much It Hurts To Live This Life.

The 'Real World' Life.

In Trying To Think Of A Suitable End To This Rant.

I Realise, You Won't Know This Is About You.

And Your Questioned Choices.

It Won't Enlighten Or Change You.

Or Your Cheap, Timeless Ways.

I've Spoken Of Wasted Beauty Many Times.

If You Haven't Guessed I'd Really Like To Get That Point Across.

But Your Beauty, Is Wasted On You. xXx

'Watch The World'

You Know What I Miss?

Bus Stops.

Waiting At Bus Stops.

Driving Lets You Soo Easily Take Advantage.

Of Mostly Anything.

While Standing At A Bus Stop Today.

Waiting For Someone Beautiful.

A Song Came On Shuffle.

By Box Car Racer.

'Watch The World'.

And To Me It's The Kind Of Song That Makes Me Do Just That.

Watch The World.

While Waiting For A Bus I Wasn't Getting On.

Across The Road There Was An Old Building.

The Kind Of Building That You Take Advantage Of.

Drive Past.

Walk Past.

See But Never Look.

It's Flats Now.

Every Window Different.

Nice Curtains, Ratty Nets, Blinds And Paper Snowflakes.

Wasn't The Windows, But The Building That Inspired Me.

Beautiful.

And As The Song Played, The Sun Shone And The Wind Very Gently Blew.

I Watched That Building.

Cars And People Rushing Past.

Made Me Think.

Will They Ever See What I See Right Now.

Of Feel What I Feel Right Now.

There's That Shame Again.

Wasted Beauty.

Stillness.

Absolute Stillness.

No Words.

Thoughts Dropped.

Just Looking.

And Listening.

To The Words In The Song.

'We'll Regret,

All Those Things,

We Thought Of,

But Didn't Ever Do.'

It's Inspiring Moments Like That.

That Motivate Me.

Then The Last Few Words Of The Song State.

'When The Sky,

Seems Too Clear,

Who Will Then Be Left,

But A Few,

Me And You.'

That Reminds Me That I Won't Have You.

I'd Like To.

But You're Not A Necessity, I'll Live Without You.

But It Would Be Nice.

I Have Something Better.

The Beautiful People.

Don't Change. xXx

'I'm On My Way To Believing...'

You Know What's A Shame?

Wasted Beauty.

Ever Get The Goosebumps For Something So Beautiful?

Something That Stops You, Dead In Your Tracks?

No Thoughts, No Words, One Feeling.

Awe.

To Be In Awe.

Is Miraculous.

I Didn't Get The Chance To Know You, But I Feel I Do.

We Have A Mouse 'Terrorizing' The House As Auntie Pat Says.

Truth Be Told The Mouse Has Done An Outstanding Job.

It's Made Us Pull Out Old Photo's And Tapes Of 'The Good Old Days'.

More To The Point.

Old Letters.

Turns Out My Nana Bless Her Had A Lodger.

In This Big Old House.

After The Second World War.

No Dates.

But They're Timeless.

A Ratty Old Postcard Starting With.

'Dear Bett And Stan'

I Can't Read Alot Of The Beautifully Written Words.

Then The Old Letters On Thin Worn Paper.

Paper That Could Tell So Many Stories.

This One Starts With.

'30 Aug. Wednesday.

Dear Bett,

Thank You Very Much For Food Parcel, Welcome Letter And The Whitstable Times,

Which Arrived Last Night.'

He Ends His Last Letter With.

'Well Bett I Think That's About All For Now So To Close Once Again Thanks For The Paper,

Love To All,

Nic x x x x x x'

He Then Adds This One Line.

One Line That Stands Out So Much To Me Is.

'P.S I'll Be Twenty On The 3 Oct, Old Age Creeping On?'

That Was His Last Letter.

Who Knows If He Made His Birthday Or Not.

The Sad Thing Is The Letter Outlived That Man, Nic.

Become Timeless.

And Beautiful.

That Man Was Younger Than Me When Writing That From Japan.

You Know What's A Shame?

That Most People Won't See This As Beautiful.

It Falls On Ignorant Eyes.

But I Don't Mean All Of You.

You'll See It Through Bright Eyes.

There's Not Many Who Would Step Up Like That These Days.

Now That's A Shame.

Wasted Lives.

I Don't Think I Need To Explain.

Because This Will Turn Poisonous.

It Will Be My 21st Birthday In 5 Days.

'Old Age Creeping On?' xXx